sugar daddy

so sunday night my roommate found free "sugar daddy" candies on the floor and selflessly brought me one. we had never experienced them before, so with much delight we both sat in our towels and chomped on hardened carmelized sticks. as first time chewers, we were oblivious to the fact that if the carmel is bitten off the stick it turns into a solid chunk of obliterating mass which will intiltrate itself into every crevice of your mouth, finding hidden depths that you never knew existed between those shiny pearls you so proudly own and display daily. we sat and laughed at each other as we slobbered and stuck our entire hands into our mouths trying to pry it off the sides of our teeth and gums.

it's a comical story, but looking back on these last couple weeks of my life, it's so relevant.
i've been spending a lot of time analyzing. a lot of time enjoying. a lot of time relishing. a lot of time just simply living.
it's been a time of serious revelations. many of them small, some extremely large ones.
i've been reading "sexgod" by rob bell. if you haven't read it or "velvet elvis" you haven't really lived yet. he's an incredible writer.
but, one section in his book completely stood out to me, and i know it's such a cliche topic, but really it's the essence of life. what life is all about. so, move past your intial lip movement of disgust and just enjoy it alongside me.
he talks about love.
but what i took away from it is one of those life changing epiphanies.
love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. that's why is such a crushing ache on the inside. we gave away part of ourselves and wasn't wanted.
love is a giving away of power. when we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. they can do what they choose. they can do what they like with our love. they can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation.
love is a giving away. when we love, we put ourselves out there. we expose ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
love is giving up control. it's surrendering the desire to control the other person. the two- love and controlling power over the other person-are mutually exclusive. if we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.

people make friendships. people date. people marry. but opening up your soul to someone, letting into your spirit, and thoughts, and fears, and future, and hopes, and dreams- that is being risky. that is being vulnerable.

that is freefalling.

no shame or embarrassment. no apologizing for who you are. no covering up or pretending. no masks or secrets. total acceptance of each other. that's what we want, isn't it? we want someone to see us exactly as we are and still love us. it's terrifying to let people see who we really are. to see the darkness in our hearts, our bad habits, all of the things we've done in the past that we regret. our biases, our shortcomings, the things we aren't good at.

if you see me for who i really am, the me that no one else has ever seen, the me that i wouldn't dare show anybody else on the planet, the parts of me i'm not sure i want anybody ever to see, if i give you that kind of glimpse into the seat of my being, into my soul, will you still love me like yo do now? it's our question for each other, and it's our question for the universe. unconditional, absolute acceptance.

we were made for agape.
agape love doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.
agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. agape loves in such a way that makes them beautiful.
agape shakes us. it's too good to be true.

or maybe you could say it's good enough to actually be true.

it affects how we live, how we act, how we think about ourselves.
long relationships are so respected and so appreciated because the members of those relationships understand that people are highly complex beings and that the soul is infinitely deep. if you're mingling your soul with another soul, and there's no end to the depth of both of your souls, this could take a while. to pursue is believing that this person is worth getting to know for the rest of your lives. it's peeling back the layers, conversation after conversation, experience after experience, year after year. it's rooted in a belief that the soul has infinite depth and you'll never get to the bottom of it.

to be fully known and still loved. still embraced. still accepted.

there is a love that because, a love in order to, love for the purpose of, and then there is love, period. agape doesn't need a reason.

agape love is being vulnerable. but this is not weakness as we think of weakness. jesus knows exactly what he's doing. there is a weakness that is truly weakness, that has nothing else to it- no depth, no intention, no greater purpose. but jesus is intentional in what he's doing. his vulnerability is for a purpose.

there is a weakness that is actually a strength.
and there is a strength that is actually a weakness.

it takes quite a spine to turn the other cheek. it takes phenomenal fortitude to love your enemy. it takes firm resolve to pray for those who persecute you.
but the best part of it all, is that we serve a god that gets it.
he understands the risk. he understands the vulnnerability it takes to take down a wall for someone. it takes servanthood to love someone more than yourself. it takes compassion. it takes passion. it takes truth. it takes relativity.
but we need to realize that as we live this life, as we search, as we find and we sometimes don't find, that we're not looking for people to fix our problems. people who charge in and have all the answers and try to make things right without first joining us in our pain generally annoy us, or worse yet, they push us away. they have nothing to give us. the god that jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance, wringing his hands and saying, "if only you'd listen to me." this is the god who holds out his hands and asks, "would you like to see the holes where the nails went? would that help?"

it's the place where we find out we're not alone. where we find strength to go on. love that you desire the taste of. love that makes you do things you never thought. love that becomes part of you. love that defines you. love that blows you out of the water.

love that gets stuck in your teeth.

faithfully learning,
-b.rose

the inaugural speech

here i sit twenty years and some odd months into my life, and i have been persuaded by the keen observation and reflection that i have given to colleen's blog, that i myself have a lot of ideas, concerns, and just plain terms in my head that would be most profitable inked [or in this case, typed] onto paper [or screen].
consequently, i have decided that to truly honor the first blog, a writer always needs to start out with a bang; to provide the reader with the sensation of a "ka-pow", "ka-boom", or other sounds that mimic either those of fourth of july fireworks or bad indigestion.
as for this next section, i have deliberated for past forty-five seconds [which, my friends, when lounging in beautiful arkansas is a lengthy amount of time] whether to provide you, the reader, with either a comical preview of what this blog really could be, or simply a glance into what really happens in the mind of myself, and which more than likely will become the outcome of this blog. as a result, you will now receive choice number two: [after the prolonged duration of the forty five second debate, i believe i did pick the right one. this selection will allow for both a salty and sweet mix of satisfaction and pleasure.]
i'll let you in on a little secret: myself: always unsatisfied, selfish, inconsiderate, annoying.
what i'm becoming: patient, gentle, kind, righteous, humble, true, and merciful.
dude. that hope, that yearning, that craving can seriously be filled. yes.
and i thank god because saga is seriously not doing anything in the "filling" department.
but, while merging humor and genuineness, i hope you can see my heart. and that you'll stick it out with me.
so, my dear friends, i thank you for hanging in there tonight, and reading the above mentionables even though you probably should've be reading a 154 page humanities chapter, or as you've pushed though the distraction created by your roommate's snotty nose.
i hope we have an interesting future together.
-b.rose out.