toothpicks

it has been far too long since my last blog, and i truly think it's time to make this a regularity in my life.

tonight's thoughts:
a toothpick.
there's something about a tiny, shriveled stick of wood stuck between your teeth that brings freshness to life.
it seems to be the perfect way to bring about the end of a meal, and about the only way to get those pesky saga remnants removed.
it's sharpness and taste are attractive, and the habit of it all is completely addictive.

but, these days, i'm not spending much time chewing, but rather absorbing this period in my life. slowly moving, but not having a fear to be still- sitting, tasting, and having the courage to ponder, to analyze, and to reform.

i'm finding more and more that the most trying times, are the times that touch you most intimately. the times that seem to leave a mark when they pass by. whether deep investments or short-lived moments- the emotions that involve the heart often break and build one the most.

healing has become an almost comical word to me. heal: "to become sound or healthy again. alleviate distress or anguish. to mend."

what does that really mean? for me, for you, for life? what does that look like? what will that feel like? if we strive-what exactly are we striving for?

i see so many people stretching to become "healthy" but in the process, loosing emotion, because they haven't truly defined or grasped what that is. myself-included-and becoming the foremost example.

if you run a marathon successfully and thoroughly, and, yet cannot feel the ache of your muscles, the sweat glistening down your skin, the stretch of your lungs, and the beat of your sneakers against the pavement- if you can't truly feel- what is the point?

sometimes we lose beauty in the absolute seeking of one goal. but that's not how we were made to be. we were made with living with complete emotion in mind- to love. to ache. to laugh. to cry. to hope. to pursue. to be deterred. and to refocus.

readers, i pray that you don't get me wrong. i am a total believer in healthiness. in the way we form relationships, in the way we live our lives, in the people that we seek to become and those we seek to be near. i believe that healthiness is one of the most vital conceptions to grasp ahold of. without it we are aimless wonderers traveling amidst a sea of lost inhabitants- equally dismayed with their journey.

bottom line, the words i'm trying to portray, and the concept i myself am still trying to grasp is: what do we envision in our most grand and perfect scenario? who is the person we each strive so hard to become? is it a social popularity? it is a physical prowess? the dominator of a workforce?

for me, now, it's not being afraid of the pain and the beauty that is composed in a single moment. it's being comfortable enough in my own skin to offer my soul to a stranger as well as a close friend, when i find the latter daunting and exceptionally difficult. to know that the day will break and the dawn will come rhythmically and faithfully. that every day i will learn to trust a little more. weakness is not found in asking for help or incomplete organization. it's found in the structure of a being.

imperfections are going to occur- and that's the most beautiful part of it all.
that as i am formed- i might not become the essence of what i had envisioned, but that's perfectly how i am supposed to be.

as i continue, i might start to splinter, i might start to fray, and i'm might become heavy with the burdens of life- but there is a pleasantness in living this struggled filled life.

it's what we were made for.

it's what we were called to.

it's what we will leave behind.

but while we are here, we are given strength in demand for our weakness.

and just as i throw this disgusting, weathered toothpick in this trash can- it has run it's course successfully. and so will we.

take a moment to look at the beauty of your growing knowledge, the simplicity and simultaneous complexity of your call, and the vitality that is gained from vulnerability, and maybe in a glimpse or a glimmer you'll realize that a little widdled piece of tree wasn't the stupidest idea of all.