traffic lights.

-warning- this is yet another blog about love, so if you're sick of reading my rambling thoughts about it, jump over to jay or kate's blogs.

traffic lights have an awful way of dictating our actions. they command us to be. they leave no choice for argumentation. they make the law and we either listen or get rebellious. we have no control, and we have no way of changing their behaviors.

tonight i jumped in my car. a big sigh of relief overtaking my chest as i turned the key. no destination. slight time limit due to curfew, but with the windows rolled down everything's better, and i can handle that.

i love to drive. to relax and yet be in simultaneous control. my best thoughts usually happen behind a guitar, a steering wheel, or some ink and paper. there is nothing more de-stressing to me than being outside- and whether that's through a run, a good fishing hole, or sitting in a comfortably moving automobile, that is awesomeness in it's largest scale.

and today i needed one of the above antidotes. it was one of those days. one of those days you have to unwillingly process through some segment of life that you are completely unprepared to work through.

tonight i realized i'm an emotional klutz. i smoothly traverse through my days keeping everything aligned and steadily trucking along, and then -BAM-, something, probably a lot like these dang ORU speed-bumps, occurs and some situation makes me question how i've been acting, investing, and trusting.

thankfully, tonight i had two friends who are voyaging through their own challenges and allowed me to realize through deep bantering that everyone is constantly working through something- from the day we breathe in air, to the day we let it out, we are always bettering ourselves and the situations we involve ourselves in. but, there, in those intimate times while sitting on the couch, or walking to get coffee, those moments make me want to challenge myself to just live freely and love passionately. to take life as it comes- no prep work, no white-out, no angst. total and complete abandonment of control.

i feel like i can breathe deeper and more purer when my mind is clear. but, tonight, when i got back from that drive, instead of applying my re-focused mind to something appropriate, i of course chose to get on facebook instead of writing the four-page paper i have to write tonight. the bi-annual TWLOHA event is coming up, and it always catches my eye because i think the idea of it is brilliant, and so i found myself browsing through their page. i don't know why, but i have always assumed that TWLOHA dealt solely with cutting and self-abuse victims. and though that is an extremely worthy cause to devote one of my arms to for twenty four hours, they get so much deeper. and what they have to say is perfectly stated in my opinion.

Excerpt from the TWLOHA vision statement:

“The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.”

man. that is exactly what i needed to hear.

let's just engrave that whole thing on something. ink it into our minds. wear it in our hearts. scream it from the rooftops. but most importantly- let us live this whole freaking thing out. let us invest in that vision through living, breathing, and loving.

let me be the parent that lives this out daily to my kids. let me be the stranger at the supermarket that smiles instead of smirks. let me be the friend that chooses to showcase your worth by living out relationship.

and that is what i learned today. that in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of desiring to completely shut off my heart, in the midst of re-configuring some things- our main priority is to love.

that country road i drove on tonight wasn't perfect. the car i drove in certainly wasn't perfect (haha, to those of you who experience all that is ray.) the steps i take tomorrow won't be perfect. life is imperfect. and it's just about the steps we choose to make. i'm fine with not having everything worked out. i'm fine with having to communicate. i'm fine with making choices. i'm okay with hurting. i could not have said that four months ago. and that's what makes this all worthwhile: i'm changing. you're changing. growth is constantly occuring.

to my faithful readers, i apologize that my blogs are becoming less and less presented in their normal format. but, i'm somewhat allright with this. life isn't a perfectly sculpted presentation. it is not always witty or smooth. and, now, i value that we are becoming more honest as this journey progresses. more open to life.more willing to ease our way, or even struggle, through these things with others. more willing to travel into unknown territory.

sometimes life is going to make us yield. sometimes it's going to be a wary, slow movement. and then, sometimes we're going to get the green and be able to speed through with no transition and no after-affects. just stick it through with me, and just perhaps we'll continue to progress, but i promise we'll keep travelling.

dogwoods.

spring is here, the air is sweet, and the trees are blooming in abundance.
their yearly time cycle is spinning. they're in growth. progression. movement. aging.

and just like those trees, another year has passed since my birthing. meaning i found what seems to be at least forty new gray hairs in the mirror this morning. that is no exaggeration nor lie.

however, as always with time passing, life has changed since this time last year.

things have been lost. things have been gained. new things discovered. old things treasured.

the most important thing i learned this year: love is beautiful, and the most powerful thing on the earth- whether it's promoting laughter or tears.

i know, i know. i talk about the subject of love a lot on here, and i apologize, but at the same time, i don't really apologize, because you and i will never grasp it completely. there will always be more to learn. more to encounter. more to uncover. and who doesn't enjoy a good babble about loving? it makes us mushy and happy, for the most part, depending on what stage we're in at the current moment.

yet, in this journey, it has been repeatedly confirmed to me: the most important things in life are not things.

even as kids we realize the importance of relationship. even if our minds don't grasp or recognize, inside we know. our hearts crave it. we need it to be healthy. it's what life really is about as scary as that is. we live to be children, siblings, friends, lovers, parents, and comrades.

zelda fitzgerald said, "i don't want to live. i want to love first, and live incidentally."

that's going to be my goal in this next stage, stuck in between 23 and 24. to embrace loving for what it is.

i know i have the ability to love. i do love. i know i have loved. i know i am loved. i know i have been loved, and enough to hold me over for a lifetime. but, to take every day as a chance to love-that i have not done.

see, i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i am nasty. i am a judger. i am self-absorbed. i analyze everything. i get grumpy in the morning. i like to be in control. i am attention needy. i am constantly looking out for number one.

that is a pretty good synopsis.

i find it hard to like. and that's the challenge.

not only to love, but to like. i have always hated it, but i love intensely. someone once told me that i "love big." and they were completely right. however, the problem therein lies, that either you have my heart or you don't. there's no in-between for me.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i love everyone instantly, and i'm not even saying i love everyone. it takes me a long time to speak those three little lucky words, and i don't spit them out after a first greeting, and in fact, once it comes out it's to very few. i can like for a long time before my heart's ready to love. but, i'm not talking about that sort of situation. i'm speaking of the like where you respect someone for who they are- in that moment, no holds barr, no hiding, no emotional mask, in their essence, wholly and truly. even if a relationship lacks intimacy, time, and experience- to regard someone with importance and consideration.

i don't want to be the unconnecting person. i want to love and like the people that rub me the wrong way, those i find annoying, those i don't want to open up to, and those who are intimidating-just as much as i enjoy time with those i favor.

because: who the heck am i to judge who is hurting? who is lonely? who just failed? who just had their heartbroken? who just smashed their finger in a car-door and made up some new expletives?

sometimes it's the smallest decisions that once applied change your life forever, and i'm hoping that this will be one of them.

and this is just a hypothesis- so don't get mad if i'm wrong- but with learning how to give out love, we learn how to let it come in. to let it seep into our lives. to affect our thoughts, actions, and mindsets. to properly receive.

today for me, proved all of this correct. because, at 11:59, when my birthday was complete, i did not care about all the awesome food i had eaten, the gifts received, or the multitude of cards that arrived in my cpo, but the people that wrote in those cards, yes. i thought about the six amazing people sitting on the couch with me, sharing common air, that have totally blown my socks off in the last four months. the ones that challenge me everyday to trust, to open up, to dive in, to experience, and to live in vitality. the ones that teach me selflessness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, joyfulness, and to relax in the midst of everything. those that make me feel one-hundred percent comfortable in my own skin, and encourage me to be me for the sake of being me. the ones that make me laugh so hard on most days i go to bed with a headache. the ones that discover things about me that i haven't even realized yet, and sometimes let me on the insight, leading to countless sections of this blog- but most importantly, the ones who i am incredibly treasured, honored, and stoked to be acquainted with, as they in themselves are some of the most indescribably unique and breathtaking people i have ever known.

and that's what it's about. not for the sake of me or you feeling valuable or affirmed at the end of the day, but for the sake of relationship.

it is real. it is imperfect. it takes work. and that is so completely beautiful.

this time next year, the dogwoods will be abounding once again, we will find more gray hairs, and another year will be checked of our list. but, the beauty of life is still going to peak. the fragrance is still going to captivate. and next spring, no matter what stage the world is in, it's still going to tell us reality is a prize.

band-aids

band-aids are made to aid an injury. we stock up on them because we know at some point or other hurt is going to come. it is in fact, a product that, while hopes to make the process as easy as possible, recognizes that pain is going to occur.

life isn't safe.

sometimes it's freefalling. sometimes it's letting go. sometimes it's letting the inevitable or unexpected happen without any control over the result. sometimes it's opening up. sometimes it's diving in. sometimes it's the spring air carrying a forgotten memory back to you. sometimes it's catching a glimpse of who you are.

life is intricate. and, whether we want to admit it or not, life is completely and fully about love, and loving is complicated.

see, truly loving takes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week- and in that, we will never succeed. it requires complete selflessness. complete sensitivity. being completely unattached. being completely uninhibited. but, we are flawed. broken. imperfect.

we ache to connect. we yearn to be a part of. and, we will never lose the demand of relationship.

yet, wounds are part of this journey. we will give, as well as receive. it's how we heal that reveals the depth of intimacy, and unification that we allow ourselves to live in.

the only thing we can do is keep it up. whether we fail or succeed. never become bitter. never become hardened. never become cold. never become void.

we have to simply trust. we have to believe that our blemishes reveal the history of who we are, and with every relationship, friendship, or acquaintance we become stronger friends, lovers, parents, and children.

i recently heard in a movie, "our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch." never run away from the beauty of emotion, or the impact that it marks.

heed from my experience: when removing your pride and barriers: don't pull slowly. rip it off. experience the burn. feel the blood in your veins. breathe. live. experience. trust that "the heart of life is good" and you're not the only fool scared to remove a two-inch lamb-chop band-aid that has been begging to be pulled off for the last three days. you'll find that adhesive to be less dangerous than you thought, and perhaps ready to come off anyway.