dogwoods.

spring is here, the air is sweet, and the trees are blooming in abundance.
their yearly time cycle is spinning. they're in growth. progression. movement. aging.

and just like those trees, another year has passed since my birthing. meaning i found what seems to be at least forty new gray hairs in the mirror this morning. that is no exaggeration nor lie.

however, as always with time passing, life has changed since this time last year.

things have been lost. things have been gained. new things discovered. old things treasured.

the most important thing i learned this year: love is beautiful, and the most powerful thing on the earth- whether it's promoting laughter or tears.

i know, i know. i talk about the subject of love a lot on here, and i apologize, but at the same time, i don't really apologize, because you and i will never grasp it completely. there will always be more to learn. more to encounter. more to uncover. and who doesn't enjoy a good babble about loving? it makes us mushy and happy, for the most part, depending on what stage we're in at the current moment.

yet, in this journey, it has been repeatedly confirmed to me: the most important things in life are not things.

even as kids we realize the importance of relationship. even if our minds don't grasp or recognize, inside we know. our hearts crave it. we need it to be healthy. it's what life really is about as scary as that is. we live to be children, siblings, friends, lovers, parents, and comrades.

zelda fitzgerald said, "i don't want to live. i want to love first, and live incidentally."

that's going to be my goal in this next stage, stuck in between 23 and 24. to embrace loving for what it is.

i know i have the ability to love. i do love. i know i have loved. i know i am loved. i know i have been loved, and enough to hold me over for a lifetime. but, to take every day as a chance to love-that i have not done.

see, i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i am nasty. i am a judger. i am self-absorbed. i analyze everything. i get grumpy in the morning. i like to be in control. i am attention needy. i am constantly looking out for number one.

that is a pretty good synopsis.

i find it hard to like. and that's the challenge.

not only to love, but to like. i have always hated it, but i love intensely. someone once told me that i "love big." and they were completely right. however, the problem therein lies, that either you have my heart or you don't. there's no in-between for me.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i love everyone instantly, and i'm not even saying i love everyone. it takes me a long time to speak those three little lucky words, and i don't spit them out after a first greeting, and in fact, once it comes out it's to very few. i can like for a long time before my heart's ready to love. but, i'm not talking about that sort of situation. i'm speaking of the like where you respect someone for who they are- in that moment, no holds barr, no hiding, no emotional mask, in their essence, wholly and truly. even if a relationship lacks intimacy, time, and experience- to regard someone with importance and consideration.

i don't want to be the unconnecting person. i want to love and like the people that rub me the wrong way, those i find annoying, those i don't want to open up to, and those who are intimidating-just as much as i enjoy time with those i favor.

because: who the heck am i to judge who is hurting? who is lonely? who just failed? who just had their heartbroken? who just smashed their finger in a car-door and made up some new expletives?

sometimes it's the smallest decisions that once applied change your life forever, and i'm hoping that this will be one of them.

and this is just a hypothesis- so don't get mad if i'm wrong- but with learning how to give out love, we learn how to let it come in. to let it seep into our lives. to affect our thoughts, actions, and mindsets. to properly receive.

today for me, proved all of this correct. because, at 11:59, when my birthday was complete, i did not care about all the awesome food i had eaten, the gifts received, or the multitude of cards that arrived in my cpo, but the people that wrote in those cards, yes. i thought about the six amazing people sitting on the couch with me, sharing common air, that have totally blown my socks off in the last four months. the ones that challenge me everyday to trust, to open up, to dive in, to experience, and to live in vitality. the ones that teach me selflessness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, joyfulness, and to relax in the midst of everything. those that make me feel one-hundred percent comfortable in my own skin, and encourage me to be me for the sake of being me. the ones that make me laugh so hard on most days i go to bed with a headache. the ones that discover things about me that i haven't even realized yet, and sometimes let me on the insight, leading to countless sections of this blog- but most importantly, the ones who i am incredibly treasured, honored, and stoked to be acquainted with, as they in themselves are some of the most indescribably unique and breathtaking people i have ever known.

and that's what it's about. not for the sake of me or you feeling valuable or affirmed at the end of the day, but for the sake of relationship.

it is real. it is imperfect. it takes work. and that is so completely beautiful.

this time next year, the dogwoods will be abounding once again, we will find more gray hairs, and another year will be checked of our list. but, the beauty of life is still going to peak. the fragrance is still going to captivate. and next spring, no matter what stage the world is in, it's still going to tell us reality is a prize.