thermometer

thermometers cannot lie, hide, cheat, or become something they're not. there isn't a way to fabricate a wanted result or action.

i'm finding that i dislike invasion of privacy. i like the outside person to see what i want them to see when i want them to see it.

i don't offer free glimpses into my soul, or deep conversations without much mustering within my innards.

i have this human tendency to fear being known, and yet really all i have sought in my deepest relationships is to be completely known and loved in entirety.

but with being known, and taking that chance, comes the possibilities of rejection, abandonment, acceptance, or judgment.

what are we so afraid of?

why do we settle with half-living life?

what if we were truly known. living in full portion. showcasing every small characteristic of our beings, no matter the size, portion, or importance?

experiencing the essence of one's persona would be completely beautiful and simultaneously intimidating- challenging encounter by encounter another to perhaps jump off the cliff and grab life by the horns.

our generation hides emotional instability and past grievances behind a cluttered form of self-expression and individuality. reliance and interest in other's needs is seen as weak. compliance is boring. expression is freeform.

but what if, really at the heart of things, we are just all beaten hearts searching to connect, yearning to be desired, seeking companionship without walls or barriers?

when it gets down to the bottom of things, that's really the truth isn't it? if we lay fear aside- that's what we all want. some might want successful careers, or adventures a long side of relational goals, but no one truly desires solitude.

strength doesn't lie in being disinterested. it comes in being vulnerable.

vulnerability is strength.

vulnerability doesn't preform an appearance or a conversation. transparency is breathing, living, communing, and the result is a direct action of who you are. you get what you get- being scared, bold, funny, boring, cold, hold, or mild.

smart water

smart water: "vapor distilled water + electrolytes. purity you can taste. hydration you can feel." $1.39 for 33.8oz.

i feel like i've been noticing the dominance of a certain mindset lately.

the emotions of my life would be better with: this person, this setting, this job, these possessions, this destiny, etc. we all know the list could go on for hours.

but, we miss out when we place our hands in the fate of a reality that isn't our own.
we miss out on the breeze.
we miss out on the sun sneaking through the blinds in the most inconvenient areas.
we miss the laughter and mumbling of our study buddies.
we miss the beauty of the moment.

so, let's envision for a second: settling into life. being content with "ourself"- in whatever state we are in-discolored, tasteless, or perfectly purified.

the expensive version of us, tastes exactly the same. it may have some different characteristics, but at the end of the day it's still just water in a bottle.

white-out

i remember filling out endless job applications as a sixteen year-old, praying that the prospective company would be able to read my hand-writing, and that i would spell my name correctly. however, there always seemed to be that one splurge of ink, or mistaken thought that would bring the perfect completion of my article to an end. as you can imagine, i rejoiced in the discovery of white-out. the possibility of total mistake block-out. erasing what i didn't want to be there. covering a wound. becoming presentable again.

during a large portion of my life, possibly the entire adult-hood section, i think i've felt that proper healing meant never thinking about a memory, never pondering the past, and trying to void out certain people and sections of time. and when that successfully happens, i'm ok to move on.

but i have learned that love doesn't just die.
forgiving does not erase the past.
a healed memory is not a deleted memory.
instead, looking back at those moments that we cannot seem to forget creates a new way to remember.
we change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

i don't want to forget. i don't want to void out the smiles, the tears, and those single moments that can only be shared between two individuals, and never repeated because of chance or circumstance.
i don't want to relish either. the reality of my grief is already sometimes a physical ache.

but to cherish. to hope. to realize that the past is the past. that time was more than expected. this present time is nothing i expected. and the future, will more than likely be nothing i expect.

we have this incredible nature about us- that when we break, we can rebuild. stronger. purer. with more to offer.
in due time. no matter how long it takes.
but when that white ink dries, you'll be you again. only a completely new you.
perhaps, something you can offer without being so worried about presentability.
until then, i recommend you and i both work on our legibility, and keep that bottle of white-out handy because i for one feel that this journey is not over.