white-out

i remember filling out endless job applications as a sixteen year-old, praying that the prospective company would be able to read my hand-writing, and that i would spell my name correctly. however, there always seemed to be that one splurge of ink, or mistaken thought that would bring the perfect completion of my article to an end. as you can imagine, i rejoiced in the discovery of white-out. the possibility of total mistake block-out. erasing what i didn't want to be there. covering a wound. becoming presentable again.

during a large portion of my life, possibly the entire adult-hood section, i think i've felt that proper healing meant never thinking about a memory, never pondering the past, and trying to void out certain people and sections of time. and when that successfully happens, i'm ok to move on.

but i have learned that love doesn't just die.
forgiving does not erase the past.
a healed memory is not a deleted memory.
instead, looking back at those moments that we cannot seem to forget creates a new way to remember.
we change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

i don't want to forget. i don't want to void out the smiles, the tears, and those single moments that can only be shared between two individuals, and never repeated because of chance or circumstance.
i don't want to relish either. the reality of my grief is already sometimes a physical ache.

but to cherish. to hope. to realize that the past is the past. that time was more than expected. this present time is nothing i expected. and the future, will more than likely be nothing i expect.

we have this incredible nature about us- that when we break, we can rebuild. stronger. purer. with more to offer.
in due time. no matter how long it takes.
but when that white ink dries, you'll be you again. only a completely new you.
perhaps, something you can offer without being so worried about presentability.
until then, i recommend you and i both work on our legibility, and keep that bottle of white-out handy because i for one feel that this journey is not over.