traffic lights.

-warning- this is yet another blog about love, so if you're sick of reading my rambling thoughts about it, jump over to jay or kate's blogs.

traffic lights have an awful way of dictating our actions. they command us to be. they leave no choice for argumentation. they make the law and we either listen or get rebellious. we have no control, and we have no way of changing their behaviors.

tonight i jumped in my car. a big sigh of relief overtaking my chest as i turned the key. no destination. slight time limit due to curfew, but with the windows rolled down everything's better, and i can handle that.

i love to drive. to relax and yet be in simultaneous control. my best thoughts usually happen behind a guitar, a steering wheel, or some ink and paper. there is nothing more de-stressing to me than being outside- and whether that's through a run, a good fishing hole, or sitting in a comfortably moving automobile, that is awesomeness in it's largest scale.

and today i needed one of the above antidotes. it was one of those days. one of those days you have to unwillingly process through some segment of life that you are completely unprepared to work through.

tonight i realized i'm an emotional klutz. i smoothly traverse through my days keeping everything aligned and steadily trucking along, and then -BAM-, something, probably a lot like these dang ORU speed-bumps, occurs and some situation makes me question how i've been acting, investing, and trusting.

thankfully, tonight i had two friends who are voyaging through their own challenges and allowed me to realize through deep bantering that everyone is constantly working through something- from the day we breathe in air, to the day we let it out, we are always bettering ourselves and the situations we involve ourselves in. but, there, in those intimate times while sitting on the couch, or walking to get coffee, those moments make me want to challenge myself to just live freely and love passionately. to take life as it comes- no prep work, no white-out, no angst. total and complete abandonment of control.

i feel like i can breathe deeper and more purer when my mind is clear. but, tonight, when i got back from that drive, instead of applying my re-focused mind to something appropriate, i of course chose to get on facebook instead of writing the four-page paper i have to write tonight. the bi-annual TWLOHA event is coming up, and it always catches my eye because i think the idea of it is brilliant, and so i found myself browsing through their page. i don't know why, but i have always assumed that TWLOHA dealt solely with cutting and self-abuse victims. and though that is an extremely worthy cause to devote one of my arms to for twenty four hours, they get so much deeper. and what they have to say is perfectly stated in my opinion.

Excerpt from the TWLOHA vision statement:

“The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.”

man. that is exactly what i needed to hear.

let's just engrave that whole thing on something. ink it into our minds. wear it in our hearts. scream it from the rooftops. but most importantly- let us live this whole freaking thing out. let us invest in that vision through living, breathing, and loving.

let me be the parent that lives this out daily to my kids. let me be the stranger at the supermarket that smiles instead of smirks. let me be the friend that chooses to showcase your worth by living out relationship.

and that is what i learned today. that in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of desiring to completely shut off my heart, in the midst of re-configuring some things- our main priority is to love.

that country road i drove on tonight wasn't perfect. the car i drove in certainly wasn't perfect (haha, to those of you who experience all that is ray.) the steps i take tomorrow won't be perfect. life is imperfect. and it's just about the steps we choose to make. i'm fine with not having everything worked out. i'm fine with having to communicate. i'm fine with making choices. i'm okay with hurting. i could not have said that four months ago. and that's what makes this all worthwhile: i'm changing. you're changing. growth is constantly occuring.

to my faithful readers, i apologize that my blogs are becoming less and less presented in their normal format. but, i'm somewhat allright with this. life isn't a perfectly sculpted presentation. it is not always witty or smooth. and, now, i value that we are becoming more honest as this journey progresses. more open to life.more willing to ease our way, or even struggle, through these things with others. more willing to travel into unknown territory.

sometimes life is going to make us yield. sometimes it's going to be a wary, slow movement. and then, sometimes we're going to get the green and be able to speed through with no transition and no after-affects. just stick it through with me, and just perhaps we'll continue to progress, but i promise we'll keep travelling.