the blogs are back in town.

yes, i have made my return. this blog is like a long, lost friend to me. it will always be there when i need to emotionally vomit up some situation and try to sort out the puzzle pieces into something understandable. it's been a continual place for me delve into the world of adult-hood, processing and feeling my way into an unknown that i sometimes feel so unprepared for. and i know, oh how i know, that i haven't written on here in a long time. my relationships have been uncommonly steady these last few months and therefore i haven't had to run to my electronic paper and pen, but, whew, i totally got grand-slammed this week. these calm waters have turned into a tsunami overnight and i find myself more drained than i have been in a long, long time.

i was talking with my deranged circle of bests earlier this week about how parenthood is something you can never figure out. (SIDE NOTE: READERS, DO NOT READ INTO THAT- I AM NOT CURRENTLY PRODUCING OFFSPRING.) anyways, we were talking about how even if you read up on it, and you study other families, and you analyze your own upbringing, it's not something you can ever be prepared for. you're constantly making decisions, battling your actions, exploring the process, and just praying to the baby jesus that you and your other will get something right and you will learn how to love the little person that has popped into your hands and your heart and is your responsibility FOREVER. hello, that paragraph is scary.

but, the really scary thing is that my experiences of late have taught me that life, as a whole, is exactly like that. it's not something that ever slows down or that you get a niche for. you can't make "being good at life" a hobby. there isn't anyone that is "good at life." some choose to determine their own attitudes and that makes all the difference. but, we all make mistakes. we all have hard days. we hurt other people sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes intentionally. we are sometimes content, and sometimes discontent. we have ups and downs, and we ride this roller-coaster because it's here, and it's growth, and the experience is what creates the value within the beauty. one of my wisest comrades told me last month, "bec, if you could control life it wouldn't be valuable." and she was right, per her normal insights, but nonetheless that hit home with me. the incredible mr. dave barnes has in one of his songs "i wish it came down to just desire, i wish it came down to just my will." but it isn't about what we want, or what we think we need, or what we even think we would choose for ourselves if it was that simple. it's all about what we're willing to fight for.

and the big question of my week is: how do you choose what to fight for? i'm questioning a lesson i never really wanted to learn, and that is- is love conditional?

trust me-i hate that i even just said that. i am probably the most optimistic believer in love out there. but, it's a possibility that i have run entirely too far from. i've been afraid to even state that question because it has caused havoc on my heart in the past. but, is there a moment, in the deepest of trusts and feelings, that you have to say "we've run our course?" where and how do you choose- "i can love you to a point, but no more."

my visions of love have always been too grandiose and self-sacrificing at many stages. but, that's something i struggle with- if you love someone, truly, truly love someone, then where and when is it ever acceptable to say- "i cannot sacrifice for you anymore", or "i cannot stand next to you within this tangled mess," or "i can't invest myself in any more situations with you that will break my heart."

and then it comes down to an entirely different ball-game when other obstacles such as trust, commitment, time, distance, depth are involved. do these variables change the decision? do they make it okay on one hand, and not okay on the other?

adult emotions are crazy, people. they are hormonal and intense and awkwardly life-changing, determining far too many things within one spoken answer. and then there's the in-between: when you're stuck in the middle of what should be, what could be, and where you are, and you have to decide the pace, the time, the route, and the distance to your chosen outcome.

it's so very complicated, this thing called love. i haven't figured it out yet. i honestly don't think i will. i simply know that i one-hundred-percent refuse to live in a state of not knowing that i gave my all. i don't want to ever have to question "what-if" or to live with regrets. that idealism has caused me many, many pains, my friends. but, if i'm lucky enough, i will die happy and rich in emotion with my crazy previously-mentioned children telling me how i drowned them in the words "i love you" and annoyed them with displays of affirmation and affection in their most embarrassing memories. and just maybe, somewhere along the line, i will teach them through action, and get in their beautiful little skulls, that love is the greatest gift we have. it's the greatest accomplishment we will ever hold. and if you're going to make one mistake in your life by choice, let it be loving.