snags and barricades.

hey there. i know. back so early. i'm going to try to stay on top of this thing for once and get writing. it's healthy for me, even if i don't want to admit it.

i was reflecting back on a blog i posted directly after my birthday last year, since another has just passed and i had my yearly hour of self-analyzation. last year i stated: "zelda fitzgerald said, ' i don't want to live. i want to love first, and live incidentally.' that's going to be my goal in this next stage, stuck in between 23 and 24. to embrace loving for what it is." and it's slightly comical because this blog had gotten deeply lost within the folds and crevices of my brain and the details of my day-to-day life, but that's exactly what this year was for me.

this was a year of learning how to run hurdles that have kept me down for far too long. for twenty-three years my existence was based on relationships. who i was with was who i was. but, this past year, i learned me. who i am, who i want to be, who i will be. my dreams, my inspiration, my purpose. the weight of my life became not on who i was loving or the events we schedule together or the memories i treasured of the past, but about what i want to create for my future, and the possibilities of my now. the "goodness" or "badness" of my days is no longer based on the affirmation or contentions i receive from someone else, but they come from the attitudes that stem within me. this year, i realized i hold value.

god, that's such a huge lesson. probably the truest one i have learned yet. it's going to get deep now, peeps. i realized just sitting here, for the first time, that mentality comes from being a kid still, at twenty-four years old, reeling in the effects of divorce. it sickens me that our culture doesn't place any value on marriage anymore, because i've seen the devastation, yes, but most because i know there is such beauty within a vow that allows you to prove love to someone even in the hard days. when you live your word out for a lifetime. and no divorced kid likes to talk about these things, but someone should. it's something that never really leaves. like a scar where the immediate pain slowly subsides, but you will always look down and see the wound. you learn to service and to process smoothly, and to accept and to even enjoy the love and the new relationships that are built within a split family, but you're still that little kid searching for an identity that was not made to be stripped away. i've learned that in my younger years i placed anyone there. friendships, mentors, status', hobbies. anything that could become my "safety." but here's the catch: because you're kicked out of that harbor so early on, you try to swim your way back in, instead of leaving a healthy, independent adult with your sails ablaze and your heart confident. now, i'm not saying kids from unbroken families age and mature perfectly. seriously, we all know that's not the case, and a lot of times we divorced ones are so much more careful with our actions and choices because we've lived out repercussion, but i'm just saying there are adults actions and emotions that are dealt with far too early. and it ripples. like a cold, cold creek on your summer toes you feel it. and it stings.

i do want to say this: there have been many positives for me about being from a broken home. i realize without a doubt and have been proven that my parents both love me individually. they have provided. they have supported. they have had my back. they have listened. they have encouraged. they have been vulnerable about hard, hard things. they have related. they have let me deal in my own way and in my own time. they have known without speaking. they have probably psychoanalyzed. they read me. but they're still here, for me. every day. every time i need them. i know. and i get that.

another gift i have received is that i truly value relationships, and i think that's something that many people blindly take for granted. now, i know we all know my stance on relationships and love because it's seriously all i babble on about on here. but at the end of the day, whether we want to admit it or not, this life and this crazy invaluable experience is not about possessions, or things, or dreams, or titles, or accomplishments. it's about the relationships we build. the lives we impact. those we're involved with. we can take nothing from this life with us, but we can certainly leave something here that will live on.

and this year, i realized that legacy is incredibly tied to the value that we hold within ourselves. you can never really truly love someone unselfishly until you learn how to love yourself. and i'm excited, incredibly excited, to see in the space between 24 and 25 that direct connection between the things i've learned and those i hold dear. perhaps, i will finally break away from the identity i've tried to redefine and become the me that i know i can be. it's time to start putting the building blocks into place to build new character. a safety, that is strongly supported by an individual belief in myself, but most importantly that is no longer afraid of risk, change, or transformation.

this year, i want boldness. to jump. experience. taste. breathe. value. trust. interfere. break open. seek. most of all, i want vitality. no more ho-hum. no more status quo. we only have one life to live, and i'm going to start living mine. toes in the sand, running with the tide, i plan on being alive. and i pray that next year, when i look back that's exactly what i'll be: a fearless explorer ready to leap into whatever time brings my way.