stickshifts and safety belts [2012]

oh my, what an empty year of blogging this has been. my excuses, dear readers. i've been a little lackluster in my writing skills to say the least. this could best be described as complete writer's block-both musically and within blogging form. but, a new year is right on the horizon and i find myself needing to fill you in on the past year, and to also create a clean slate for myself as we enter 2013.
 
2012 was perhaps the most adventurous year of my life. it's been a year of boldness and courage. without fear of burning out the clutch. i don't know where all the courage came from, but i feel like it's building a little every year and it simply erupted all over my life. in one great display of a smooth, long drive after shifting becomes a habit. it's meek and simplistic, but worth all the investment. all the moments where you feel inadequate or like the worst driver in the world are overpowered. you sense that you are safe. you are snugly held in your seat, after the mental thrashing. i was ready for the drive, and 2012 brought it.

this year i moved across the country. i declared part of my identity. i finally removed a mask. i became open to sharing my life. i learned how to curse and drink whiskey. i conquered some ugly vulnerabilities. i found some even uglier weaknesses. i was gifted forgiveness. i ventured into a creative profession. and i faced a lot of fears that had held me back from living. most importantly, this year i became unafraid of my story.

i'm sure i've created quite the uproar in these twelve months. the news has traveled in little waves, rippling across social circles one by one. "the gay." "the sinner." "becca rose..." it's been hard to know that i am the one referred to, by some, as "the one living in sin" and "that girl that chose her flesh." i know all the terms. i know the words and the descriptions because i've said them about many others. and it's been hard. for selfish reasons but mostly because i feel like the church is missing the mark. there's an uproar happening- a war of sorts. between the church and every person who identifies as LBGTQ. i am stuck in the middle, both being parts of my identity. torn and misunderstood. misused and judged. my heart is heavy for those that haven't found a home or a community to serve in, and to unite their breathe with. i've been lucky. to have been loved and to have been encouraged and sought out. to find a place where i have been called none of those things, but rather "sister," and "friend," and "servant" and "beloved."

donald miller says, "belief is not what you say. belief is what you do." that's all that i have sought in 2012. that's what all this time and cliff jumping has been for. to live out the extreme love that i feel inside myself. i am filled to the brim. and i cannot live quietly anymore. avoiding consequence or the backwash from the years i was afraid. i was attacking love through defense of my being. i was denying jesus through hate for myself. and it's time for a new era. it's time for a new people. it's time to start reform for ourselves.

and so this entry, while a recap, is also a plea to love. to love in the ways i have previously described on this blog. without barrier or tightly held reigns. to bring a tidle wave of newness to our lives. and while weeding through failure, as it is inevitable, to realize that "we are each part of a larger history. a larger self," as phileena heuertz has said. we are not alone, but are anchored.

this is what i learnt in 2012. that the only way to counteract the pain we create for ourselves in this world is to truly live and to know love. 2012, thank you for being the year i have been waiting for. 2013, i can hardly wait for you.

“do not settle for less than exactly what you want. your heart’s desires are there for a reason. chase them. pursue them relentlessly. do not lose sight of your goals. they are your very reason for being.” — franki durbin

-B.Rose