pen and ink.

dear readers, it has been far too long since we have spent time together. this due to not having an internet connection for several months, but now that i invest my monthly dues in a certain company, here we are, back in action. i must admit, i have missed this. i crave this blog, the insight it provides me while diving into myself, and the written record of simply living life.

there's something about self-expression that is so invigorating. uninhibited by opinions and fears. transparent. honest. full. emotional. expressive. raw. vulnerable. strong. real.

it carries truth.
it musters hope.
it is what it is, no more and no less.

the best side of me. encompassed. embraced. no walls. no borders. no boundaries. no limits. no barriers.

expression proves to me, whenever i encounter it, that there's really no stagnation in life. we're either pushing ourselves to become the people we desire to be, or burying our goals under dust and debris. and no matter how far we try to hide ourselves away, we all have our outlets. whether equations and numbers, the old strings of a guitar, vacant pavement in the morning, or amongst the faces of well loved friends. discovering the mysteries about ourselves and life is inevitable. but, to be able to accept that, relate to it, and use it as a stepping stone in the future is really the strongest we can desire to be. without pain, there is no gain.

i don't think any of us will ever have this journey figured out. but, i do think we can enjoy the beauty along the way. and instead of scrubbing our insecurities away, we can embrace the stain of a well-worn inked hand, and see a paper-cut as the stride that it truly is: a push to find the deeper meaning in all of these well worn letters.

nike.

i have a favorite pair of sneaks. my black and white nike free's. i've had them three years. they don't require socks. they dry in mere hours. they have the rebound of a prairie leopard. they are my best pair of shoes i've ever owned.
these shoes have carried me through many 5k's, several fun runs, and days of lazy HPE classes.
but i'm learning to challenge myself again in them. to want to sweat, burn, and feel pain. it's invigorating, and i have missed it dearly. it was a huge part of my life that i let disappear, and here i am grabbing it back with full force.

i apologize for the lack of posts that i've recently had. not having internet in my current place of dwelling has stifled the creativity a little bit.
however, with that said, my thoughts have still been flourishing.
i'm definitely in a season of growth. realizing the difference between religion and relationship.
my mom and i, and a few others, have been discussing the current state of our hearts and the place that we're currently in. but, more importantly, where we are seeking to grow and to travel in the next stages of our lives.

so, here i am in these next few months, trying to find a job. trying to focus on what it is i am seeking in my own life. what dreams i am trying to fill. what dreams i am even dreaming. my main goal at the moment: trying to get discipline a very regular part of my life. trying to becoming a better kid and learn patience as i am thrown back into the circle of family. trying to be a great long-distance friend, which is extremely trying and difficult. aching to become a better me.

and i've found that all these little crumbs sure add up. sometimes it can be overtaking. so many things that have to be fulfilled, so many barriers that keep me from attaining my goals. however, in the last week i have laid my head down at night completely satisfied with my accomplishments. i am forming myself into a stronger person, inside and out, and it feels great.

we've got to keep running. and just as i am learning to run again with each day it becomes less of a task and more of an enjoyment, escape, and challenge to myself to do more, be more, and live more vivaciously. to truly encounter life. take that bull by the horns and fly around looking like an idiot. whatever the case may be, i want to do it, and i will be it.

and, just as all those nike commercials in the 90's stated, sometimes we have to get over ourselves, choose our way, and "just do it."

traffic lights.

-warning- this is yet another blog about love, so if you're sick of reading my rambling thoughts about it, jump over to jay or kate's blogs.

traffic lights have an awful way of dictating our actions. they command us to be. they leave no choice for argumentation. they make the law and we either listen or get rebellious. we have no control, and we have no way of changing their behaviors.

tonight i jumped in my car. a big sigh of relief overtaking my chest as i turned the key. no destination. slight time limit due to curfew, but with the windows rolled down everything's better, and i can handle that.

i love to drive. to relax and yet be in simultaneous control. my best thoughts usually happen behind a guitar, a steering wheel, or some ink and paper. there is nothing more de-stressing to me than being outside- and whether that's through a run, a good fishing hole, or sitting in a comfortably moving automobile, that is awesomeness in it's largest scale.

and today i needed one of the above antidotes. it was one of those days. one of those days you have to unwillingly process through some segment of life that you are completely unprepared to work through.

tonight i realized i'm an emotional klutz. i smoothly traverse through my days keeping everything aligned and steadily trucking along, and then -BAM-, something, probably a lot like these dang ORU speed-bumps, occurs and some situation makes me question how i've been acting, investing, and trusting.

thankfully, tonight i had two friends who are voyaging through their own challenges and allowed me to realize through deep bantering that everyone is constantly working through something- from the day we breathe in air, to the day we let it out, we are always bettering ourselves and the situations we involve ourselves in. but, there, in those intimate times while sitting on the couch, or walking to get coffee, those moments make me want to challenge myself to just live freely and love passionately. to take life as it comes- no prep work, no white-out, no angst. total and complete abandonment of control.

i feel like i can breathe deeper and more purer when my mind is clear. but, tonight, when i got back from that drive, instead of applying my re-focused mind to something appropriate, i of course chose to get on facebook instead of writing the four-page paper i have to write tonight. the bi-annual TWLOHA event is coming up, and it always catches my eye because i think the idea of it is brilliant, and so i found myself browsing through their page. i don't know why, but i have always assumed that TWLOHA dealt solely with cutting and self-abuse victims. and though that is an extremely worthy cause to devote one of my arms to for twenty four hours, they get so much deeper. and what they have to say is perfectly stated in my opinion.

Excerpt from the TWLOHA vision statement:

“The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.”

man. that is exactly what i needed to hear.

let's just engrave that whole thing on something. ink it into our minds. wear it in our hearts. scream it from the rooftops. but most importantly- let us live this whole freaking thing out. let us invest in that vision through living, breathing, and loving.

let me be the parent that lives this out daily to my kids. let me be the stranger at the supermarket that smiles instead of smirks. let me be the friend that chooses to showcase your worth by living out relationship.

and that is what i learned today. that in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of desiring to completely shut off my heart, in the midst of re-configuring some things- our main priority is to love.

that country road i drove on tonight wasn't perfect. the car i drove in certainly wasn't perfect (haha, to those of you who experience all that is ray.) the steps i take tomorrow won't be perfect. life is imperfect. and it's just about the steps we choose to make. i'm fine with not having everything worked out. i'm fine with having to communicate. i'm fine with making choices. i'm okay with hurting. i could not have said that four months ago. and that's what makes this all worthwhile: i'm changing. you're changing. growth is constantly occuring.

to my faithful readers, i apologize that my blogs are becoming less and less presented in their normal format. but, i'm somewhat allright with this. life isn't a perfectly sculpted presentation. it is not always witty or smooth. and, now, i value that we are becoming more honest as this journey progresses. more open to life.more willing to ease our way, or even struggle, through these things with others. more willing to travel into unknown territory.

sometimes life is going to make us yield. sometimes it's going to be a wary, slow movement. and then, sometimes we're going to get the green and be able to speed through with no transition and no after-affects. just stick it through with me, and just perhaps we'll continue to progress, but i promise we'll keep travelling.

dogwoods.

spring is here, the air is sweet, and the trees are blooming in abundance.
their yearly time cycle is spinning. they're in growth. progression. movement. aging.

and just like those trees, another year has passed since my birthing. meaning i found what seems to be at least forty new gray hairs in the mirror this morning. that is no exaggeration nor lie.

however, as always with time passing, life has changed since this time last year.

things have been lost. things have been gained. new things discovered. old things treasured.

the most important thing i learned this year: love is beautiful, and the most powerful thing on the earth- whether it's promoting laughter or tears.

i know, i know. i talk about the subject of love a lot on here, and i apologize, but at the same time, i don't really apologize, because you and i will never grasp it completely. there will always be more to learn. more to encounter. more to uncover. and who doesn't enjoy a good babble about loving? it makes us mushy and happy, for the most part, depending on what stage we're in at the current moment.

yet, in this journey, it has been repeatedly confirmed to me: the most important things in life are not things.

even as kids we realize the importance of relationship. even if our minds don't grasp or recognize, inside we know. our hearts crave it. we need it to be healthy. it's what life really is about as scary as that is. we live to be children, siblings, friends, lovers, parents, and comrades.

zelda fitzgerald said, "i don't want to live. i want to love first, and live incidentally."

that's going to be my goal in this next stage, stuck in between 23 and 24. to embrace loving for what it is.

i know i have the ability to love. i do love. i know i have loved. i know i am loved. i know i have been loved, and enough to hold me over for a lifetime. but, to take every day as a chance to love-that i have not done.

see, i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i am nasty. i am a judger. i am self-absorbed. i analyze everything. i get grumpy in the morning. i like to be in control. i am attention needy. i am constantly looking out for number one.

that is a pretty good synopsis.

i find it hard to like. and that's the challenge.

not only to love, but to like. i have always hated it, but i love intensely. someone once told me that i "love big." and they were completely right. however, the problem therein lies, that either you have my heart or you don't. there's no in-between for me.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i love everyone instantly, and i'm not even saying i love everyone. it takes me a long time to speak those three little lucky words, and i don't spit them out after a first greeting, and in fact, once it comes out it's to very few. i can like for a long time before my heart's ready to love. but, i'm not talking about that sort of situation. i'm speaking of the like where you respect someone for who they are- in that moment, no holds barr, no hiding, no emotional mask, in their essence, wholly and truly. even if a relationship lacks intimacy, time, and experience- to regard someone with importance and consideration.

i don't want to be the unconnecting person. i want to love and like the people that rub me the wrong way, those i find annoying, those i don't want to open up to, and those who are intimidating-just as much as i enjoy time with those i favor.

because: who the heck am i to judge who is hurting? who is lonely? who just failed? who just had their heartbroken? who just smashed their finger in a car-door and made up some new expletives?

sometimes it's the smallest decisions that once applied change your life forever, and i'm hoping that this will be one of them.

and this is just a hypothesis- so don't get mad if i'm wrong- but with learning how to give out love, we learn how to let it come in. to let it seep into our lives. to affect our thoughts, actions, and mindsets. to properly receive.

today for me, proved all of this correct. because, at 11:59, when my birthday was complete, i did not care about all the awesome food i had eaten, the gifts received, or the multitude of cards that arrived in my cpo, but the people that wrote in those cards, yes. i thought about the six amazing people sitting on the couch with me, sharing common air, that have totally blown my socks off in the last four months. the ones that challenge me everyday to trust, to open up, to dive in, to experience, and to live in vitality. the ones that teach me selflessness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, joyfulness, and to relax in the midst of everything. those that make me feel one-hundred percent comfortable in my own skin, and encourage me to be me for the sake of being me. the ones that make me laugh so hard on most days i go to bed with a headache. the ones that discover things about me that i haven't even realized yet, and sometimes let me on the insight, leading to countless sections of this blog- but most importantly, the ones who i am incredibly treasured, honored, and stoked to be acquainted with, as they in themselves are some of the most indescribably unique and breathtaking people i have ever known.

and that's what it's about. not for the sake of me or you feeling valuable or affirmed at the end of the day, but for the sake of relationship.

it is real. it is imperfect. it takes work. and that is so completely beautiful.

this time next year, the dogwoods will be abounding once again, we will find more gray hairs, and another year will be checked of our list. but, the beauty of life is still going to peak. the fragrance is still going to captivate. and next spring, no matter what stage the world is in, it's still going to tell us reality is a prize.

band-aids

band-aids are made to aid an injury. we stock up on them because we know at some point or other hurt is going to come. it is in fact, a product that, while hopes to make the process as easy as possible, recognizes that pain is going to occur.

life isn't safe.

sometimes it's freefalling. sometimes it's letting go. sometimes it's letting the inevitable or unexpected happen without any control over the result. sometimes it's opening up. sometimes it's diving in. sometimes it's the spring air carrying a forgotten memory back to you. sometimes it's catching a glimpse of who you are.

life is intricate. and, whether we want to admit it or not, life is completely and fully about love, and loving is complicated.

see, truly loving takes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week- and in that, we will never succeed. it requires complete selflessness. complete sensitivity. being completely unattached. being completely uninhibited. but, we are flawed. broken. imperfect.

we ache to connect. we yearn to be a part of. and, we will never lose the demand of relationship.

yet, wounds are part of this journey. we will give, as well as receive. it's how we heal that reveals the depth of intimacy, and unification that we allow ourselves to live in.

the only thing we can do is keep it up. whether we fail or succeed. never become bitter. never become hardened. never become cold. never become void.

we have to simply trust. we have to believe that our blemishes reveal the history of who we are, and with every relationship, friendship, or acquaintance we become stronger friends, lovers, parents, and children.

i recently heard in a movie, "our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch." never run away from the beauty of emotion, or the impact that it marks.

heed from my experience: when removing your pride and barriers: don't pull slowly. rip it off. experience the burn. feel the blood in your veins. breathe. live. experience. trust that "the heart of life is good" and you're not the only fool scared to remove a two-inch lamb-chop band-aid that has been begging to be pulled off for the last three days. you'll find that adhesive to be less dangerous than you thought, and perhaps ready to come off anyway.

ostriches

to me, ostriches are the oddity of all birds. this may just be the naive american in me, that is not completely well-travelled and diverse enough to recognize there are weirder species out there in the vast unexplored, however, from the little knowledge i've received, they're freaks.

they're big. fat. frumpy. noisy. constantly bitter. and they can't even fly.

now usually, around here, i like to keep things smooth. start out with an object we can all relate to, give a new view to the subject, tie in my thoughts, throw in a little chuckle here and there, and close with a well-put together line that will make your taste-buds hungry for the next post.

broken-down: i like to beautify the common.

however, today, i have no analogy or epiphany, but have instead discovered something worth mentioning.

in the weirdest little place, too. yesterday, i bought a photography book that is full of portraits from africa, asia, and south america. on every other page the photographer has included quotes from authors that have inspired his work.

here's the catch: this book was $1. i got it at dollar tree of all places. i was expecting and hoping to maybe enjoy a few of the pictures just so i didn't waste those hundred pennies. however, i am more than impressed. the work is solid. the subject inspiring. the design beautiful.

as an artist i usually just like to look at the pictures, analyze them, and move on. but one of my dear companions actually took the time to read the quotes. and, once her mouth dropped i had to ask what she had found, and this is what she told me:

"If it is true that love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence, then any society which excludes, relatively, the development of love, must in the long run perish of its own contradiction with the basic necessities of human nature. Indeed, to speak of love is not "preaching," for the simple reason that it means to speak of the ultimate and real need in every human being. That the need has been obscured does not mean that it does not exist. To analyze the nature of love is to discover its general absence today and to criticize the social conditions which are responsible for this absence. To have faith in the possibility of love as a social and not only exceptional-individual phenomenon is a rational faith based on the insight into the very nature of man." Erich Fromm From the Art of Loving

yes, my mouth then dropped too.

go, re-read, try to grasp. i know there are big words. i had to re-read several times.

this is the ostrich of all my posts. not well constructed or thought out in any form. awkward. i just had to share that quote with you. we all need to read things like that every now and again, or in my case, everyday- to remind me that love is mandatory for life and really the essence of it.

fireworks.

fireworks are loud. quick. explosive. dramatic. electrifying. brilliantly colorful.

they're a unique flavor that can simultaneously light up that night sky, make you actually desire to breathe in dark gray smoke, and create nostalgic emotions within your innards.

even though fireworks are usually just a yearly fourth-of-july event, somehow i always feel back at home on those summer nights: with the grass protruding beneath my toes, laughter on my lips due to great company, and the world's most uncomfortable rock somehow perfectly positioned underneath my arse.

often during that time, if only for a moment, not only is my butt restless, but my heart. just as any major holiday, fourth of july is a time-stamp on your life. a yearly marker for what you're doing, what you've accomplished, what you've let go of, what you've failed at.

that time: concurrently hopeful and doubtful.

this time: realizing the thing i hate most about love and friendship is that everything is relative to time.

relationships are seasonal.

timing is inescapable.

the combination, at least for me, of the previous two lines instantly brings fear.

see, we like to invest in the long-term. it's comfortable. the return is usually average. it puts us in the driver's seat for the majority of the ride. it's give us control, ease, and gentleness for the end that is inevitably to come.

but the last couple of days, i've just been wondering, why not be the brilliance that lights up someone's night? the image they can't seem to erase from their retinas. the melody they can't get out of their ears.

it does not matter if it's just a flash.

you can glimmer, and sparkle, and burn with more luminosity than ever experienced before.

you can change the way they view their worth. you can change the way they view warmth. you can change the way they view faithfulness.

you can love deeper and more fearlessly than you've ever let yourself.

it might hurt, yes. but, a moment is made. a trust is formed. a life is changed- and more than likely it will be yours.

the more we dive off and impact, the more the reverberation effects us. how we live. how we think. how we encounter life.

so, so what if you're just pyrotechnics? the duration may be shorter than you desire, but an impact is left. whether in your eardrums, your memories, or both.

trampolines

trampolines are such a unique creation. squishy, bouncy, dangerous, breathtaking.

i haven't been on a trampoline since i was in london in 2007, where if i remember correctly, there was an injury and all activity was stopped. tonight- i embraced with wide arms a long lost friend, who as a child, i absolutely adored.

i'll admit- at first my footing was shaky and unnatural. i even called myself a "chicken", but slowly i mustered the courage to get some air.

i remember the insanity i used to perform for myself in that back yard i so loved. backflips, front-flips, belly-flops, butt-flops. things that i don't know how i survived in tact.

it's funny how we're so brave as kids. the world is at our fingertips- just one grasp and it's ours for the taking. but as adults we get timid.

we get comfortable in our ruts, and our activities, and forget that we have the ability to enjoy and to just act stupid if we desire.

that moment was exactly what i needed tonight.

do you know that sweet moment i'm talking about?

a moment that makes you feel free. that makes you feel fun. that makes you feel ALIVE. that reminds.

those simple moments where you can sit back, the warm breeze on your skin, the spring glow overtaking the sky, one of the best friends you could ever ask for giggling contently like a four-year old next to you, and just know that today is good- and tomorrow- has infinite possibilities.

so- jump on. trust. realize that you maybe just need to get a little crazy to remind yourself that there's blood flowing in your veins, that there's air in your lungs, and that somewhere, even if a couple of feet down, there's a net ready to spring you back up into the clouds.

thermometer

thermometers cannot lie, hide, cheat, or become something they're not. there isn't a way to fabricate a wanted result or action.

i'm finding that i dislike invasion of privacy. i like the outside person to see what i want them to see when i want them to see it.

i don't offer free glimpses into my soul, or deep conversations without much mustering within my innards.

i have this human tendency to fear being known, and yet really all i have sought in my deepest relationships is to be completely known and loved in entirety.

but with being known, and taking that chance, comes the possibilities of rejection, abandonment, acceptance, or judgment.

what are we so afraid of?

why do we settle with half-living life?

what if we were truly known. living in full portion. showcasing every small characteristic of our beings, no matter the size, portion, or importance?

experiencing the essence of one's persona would be completely beautiful and simultaneously intimidating- challenging encounter by encounter another to perhaps jump off the cliff and grab life by the horns.

our generation hides emotional instability and past grievances behind a cluttered form of self-expression and individuality. reliance and interest in other's needs is seen as weak. compliance is boring. expression is freeform.

but what if, really at the heart of things, we are just all beaten hearts searching to connect, yearning to be desired, seeking companionship without walls or barriers?

when it gets down to the bottom of things, that's really the truth isn't it? if we lay fear aside- that's what we all want. some might want successful careers, or adventures a long side of relational goals, but no one truly desires solitude.

strength doesn't lie in being disinterested. it comes in being vulnerable.

vulnerability is strength.

vulnerability doesn't preform an appearance or a conversation. transparency is breathing, living, communing, and the result is a direct action of who you are. you get what you get- being scared, bold, funny, boring, cold, hold, or mild.

smart water

smart water: "vapor distilled water + electrolytes. purity you can taste. hydration you can feel." $1.39 for 33.8oz.

i feel like i've been noticing the dominance of a certain mindset lately.

the emotions of my life would be better with: this person, this setting, this job, these possessions, this destiny, etc. we all know the list could go on for hours.

but, we miss out when we place our hands in the fate of a reality that isn't our own.
we miss out on the breeze.
we miss out on the sun sneaking through the blinds in the most inconvenient areas.
we miss the laughter and mumbling of our study buddies.
we miss the beauty of the moment.

so, let's envision for a second: settling into life. being content with "ourself"- in whatever state we are in-discolored, tasteless, or perfectly purified.

the expensive version of us, tastes exactly the same. it may have some different characteristics, but at the end of the day it's still just water in a bottle.

white-out

i remember filling out endless job applications as a sixteen year-old, praying that the prospective company would be able to read my hand-writing, and that i would spell my name correctly. however, there always seemed to be that one splurge of ink, or mistaken thought that would bring the perfect completion of my article to an end. as you can imagine, i rejoiced in the discovery of white-out. the possibility of total mistake block-out. erasing what i didn't want to be there. covering a wound. becoming presentable again.

during a large portion of my life, possibly the entire adult-hood section, i think i've felt that proper healing meant never thinking about a memory, never pondering the past, and trying to void out certain people and sections of time. and when that successfully happens, i'm ok to move on.

but i have learned that love doesn't just die.
forgiving does not erase the past.
a healed memory is not a deleted memory.
instead, looking back at those moments that we cannot seem to forget creates a new way to remember.
we change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

i don't want to forget. i don't want to void out the smiles, the tears, and those single moments that can only be shared between two individuals, and never repeated because of chance or circumstance.
i don't want to relish either. the reality of my grief is already sometimes a physical ache.

but to cherish. to hope. to realize that the past is the past. that time was more than expected. this present time is nothing i expected. and the future, will more than likely be nothing i expect.

we have this incredible nature about us- that when we break, we can rebuild. stronger. purer. with more to offer.
in due time. no matter how long it takes.
but when that white ink dries, you'll be you again. only a completely new you.
perhaps, something you can offer without being so worried about presentability.
until then, i recommend you and i both work on our legibility, and keep that bottle of white-out handy because i for one feel that this journey is not over.

toothpicks

it has been far too long since my last blog, and i truly think it's time to make this a regularity in my life.

tonight's thoughts:
a toothpick.
there's something about a tiny, shriveled stick of wood stuck between your teeth that brings freshness to life.
it seems to be the perfect way to bring about the end of a meal, and about the only way to get those pesky saga remnants removed.
it's sharpness and taste are attractive, and the habit of it all is completely addictive.

but, these days, i'm not spending much time chewing, but rather absorbing this period in my life. slowly moving, but not having a fear to be still- sitting, tasting, and having the courage to ponder, to analyze, and to reform.

i'm finding more and more that the most trying times, are the times that touch you most intimately. the times that seem to leave a mark when they pass by. whether deep investments or short-lived moments- the emotions that involve the heart often break and build one the most.

healing has become an almost comical word to me. heal: "to become sound or healthy again. alleviate distress or anguish. to mend."

what does that really mean? for me, for you, for life? what does that look like? what will that feel like? if we strive-what exactly are we striving for?

i see so many people stretching to become "healthy" but in the process, loosing emotion, because they haven't truly defined or grasped what that is. myself-included-and becoming the foremost example.

if you run a marathon successfully and thoroughly, and, yet cannot feel the ache of your muscles, the sweat glistening down your skin, the stretch of your lungs, and the beat of your sneakers against the pavement- if you can't truly feel- what is the point?

sometimes we lose beauty in the absolute seeking of one goal. but that's not how we were made to be. we were made with living with complete emotion in mind- to love. to ache. to laugh. to cry. to hope. to pursue. to be deterred. and to refocus.

readers, i pray that you don't get me wrong. i am a total believer in healthiness. in the way we form relationships, in the way we live our lives, in the people that we seek to become and those we seek to be near. i believe that healthiness is one of the most vital conceptions to grasp ahold of. without it we are aimless wonderers traveling amidst a sea of lost inhabitants- equally dismayed with their journey.

bottom line, the words i'm trying to portray, and the concept i myself am still trying to grasp is: what do we envision in our most grand and perfect scenario? who is the person we each strive so hard to become? is it a social popularity? it is a physical prowess? the dominator of a workforce?

for me, now, it's not being afraid of the pain and the beauty that is composed in a single moment. it's being comfortable enough in my own skin to offer my soul to a stranger as well as a close friend, when i find the latter daunting and exceptionally difficult. to know that the day will break and the dawn will come rhythmically and faithfully. that every day i will learn to trust a little more. weakness is not found in asking for help or incomplete organization. it's found in the structure of a being.

imperfections are going to occur- and that's the most beautiful part of it all.
that as i am formed- i might not become the essence of what i had envisioned, but that's perfectly how i am supposed to be.

as i continue, i might start to splinter, i might start to fray, and i'm might become heavy with the burdens of life- but there is a pleasantness in living this struggled filled life.

it's what we were made for.

it's what we were called to.

it's what we will leave behind.

but while we are here, we are given strength in demand for our weakness.

and just as i throw this disgusting, weathered toothpick in this trash can- it has run it's course successfully. and so will we.

take a moment to look at the beauty of your growing knowledge, the simplicity and simultaneous complexity of your call, and the vitality that is gained from vulnerability, and maybe in a glimpse or a glimmer you'll realize that a little widdled piece of tree wasn't the stupidest idea of all.